Life Coaching Thoughts & Tips

Assertiveness

Q. What exactly is assertiveness?

 Assertiveness is a set of communication skills, both verbal and non-verbal, that enable you to express your needs, feeling and opinions clearly and confidently. It helps you express yourself in a way that respects both yourself and others. People often think mistakenly that assertion is the same as aggression, but the two are poles apart. Whereas aggression is all about “I win, and you lose”, assertion aims at “win-win” situations. Core values are authenticity, integrity and respect.

During coaching you have the opportunity to identify situations where you would like to assert yourself and to practise how to handle them so that you can gain confidence to deal with real-life situations.

Q. Is it OK to get angry?

Anger is a healthy emotion. What matters is how you express it. If you erupt with blaming language, it can damage relationships. If you leave it and it wells up inside, it can be harmful to you and your anger could boil over at an inappropriate time. Ideally wait till the height of  your anger has subsided and you’ve had time to think through what you want from the person you’re angry with. You’ll be in a better position to express it calmly and clearly with a view to finding a resolution.

Q. I tend to be passive and withdrawn when someone criticises me or finds fault, especially my boss. Can you help with this?

This is where assertiveness is helpful and where we would look at the assertive skills and practice handling situations. It’s important to listen carefully to what’s being said rather than jump on the barricades and go into defence mode. In brief, if the person isn’t clear or uses generalisations, ask for clarification. Consider whether you agree, disagree or partly agree with what they’re saying. If you agree, ask them precisely what changes they’d like you to make, and you could proffer some yourself to give you some ownership here. If you don’t agree, say so politely and give your reasons. If you partly agree, accept the part you agree with, and explain your reasons for taking a different view of the rest.

Q. I have to chair meetings at work but lack confidence. Can assertiveness help me?

Assertiveness is invaluable in chairing and managing meetings. It will enhance your ability and confidence both to speak yourself and to enable others to speak up & express their ideas & opinions. It will help you to contain long-winded contributions & guide people to keep to the point,  to stay on the agenda and work within agreed timeframes. You will be better able to produce practical and realistic outcomes from the meeting.

Q. If I’m angry, is it best to express it at the time?

It’s best not to express your anger when it’s at its height; if you’re feeling very emotional, you could say something you later regret. It’s then hard to undo what’s been said. It’s important first to let things settle a little in your mind so you can be clear about the outcome  you hope for as a result of expressing anger. It may take time to think that through so that you can ask for it calmly, in a measured way. At the height of anger we can tend to focus on our negative feelings rather than what we want to gain. However, don’t wait too long as anger can give you the adrenalin to address a situation and if you hold off for a long time, the right moment could pass. It’s a balancing act and important to find the right moment.

Q. Are assertion and aggression the same?

Assertiveness is about being direct yet courteous, expressing feelings appropriately, standing up for your rights whilst respecting others’ rights, taking responsibility and using “I” statements rather than telling “You” what you should do.

In contrast aggressive people are likely to stand up for their rights by treading on yours. They may blame you, point the finger at you, make demands upon you and tell you what you “should” do. They tend to be poor listeners, preferring to listen to themselves than to you!

So, the answer to this question is “NO”, assertion and aggression are poles apart.

Q. What’s the difference between being aggressive and passive aggressive?

Aggression is very obvious. The person may shout, speak sharply and fast, and it can feel threatening. They use the word “you” a lot: you shouldn’t have done that, what have you done, you’ve made a right mess of this! Passive aggression isn’t so obvious and you may not realise it until some time later. It can involve false flattery, hints, snide comments, or talking about you behind your back.

Q. Do most people fall into the category of one type of behaviour?

No, this tends not to be the case. Most people are a mix of behaviours, though each person may have one  default behaviour. There are four main types of behaviour: passive, aggressive, passive aggressive and assertive.

People often behave differently according to the person they are with, so behaviour can be affected by how confident you feel in talking to someone. You may find you speak differently such as when talking to a parent or a child, to a partner, a lawyer or doctor, or a senior manager.

Q. Why do some people, like me, find it so hard to assert themselves?

There can be many reasons, and often connected to messages you had in the past. For example, if a parent told you to be quiet, not to speak up and let the adults do the talking; if you felt unappreciated by a teacher or someone who mattered to you. This can lead to fears of rejection if you express your needs or opinions. A lack of confidence in communicating and knowledge of assertive skills also contribute; these you can learn, and will change how you feel about asserting yourself and your ability to do so. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. You will need to learn and practise the skills until you become more and more comfortable with them.

Q. I worry about saying no to people in case they won’t like me. Is it usual to feel this way?

It’s a common concern. However, we all  need to respect others’ circumstances and limitations. There may be times when you’re happy to help and accede to a request, while at other times you may not wish to do what’s being asked of you or genuinely don’t have the capacity, knowledge or skill to do it. It’s important to be able to say no clearly and courteously at such times.

Q. I find criticism hard to take.  I tend to withdraw and lose my confidence. Can assertiveness help me with this?

The principles and the skills of assertiveness will help you deal more confidently and so effectively with criticism. 

Criticism is someone else’s opinion and not a statement of fact. You have the right to agree, disagree or partly agree. It is also often given badly, either intentionally or unintentionally and so it can feel worse than it really is.

Assertive skills will enable you to respond more spontaneously verbally as well as encouraging you to use confident body language, tone of voice, eye contact, avoiding looking down or appearing defeated.

Q. Is it possible to be too assertive?

An interesting question and one I am often asked. When someone is too assertive it is likely to mean they’ve stepped over the boundry into aggression. For example, someone who expresses strong opinions and won’t give anyone else the space to put theirs, or a person who asks you to do something and will not take no or any compromise for an answer no matter how difficult it is for the recipient. 

Q. I find it very hard to ask for things. What are the reasons for this?

There are many possible reasons. You may be worried how the person will react, perhaps they’ve reacted badly in the past. You might be concerned it will affect your relationship, or you may find it hard to entertain the prospect of someone refusing and saying “No”. When asking for help it’s common for people to feel it reflects badly on them, that they’re incompetent, whereas it’s assertive to ask for help.

Q. Are some people naturally assertive? Or can I learn to be assertive?

Some people have a more assertive style than others. However, assertiveness is a skill that is taught and you can learn to be assertive. Assertiveness coaching will acquaint you with specific skills in dealing with issues such as asking, delegating, refusing and handling criticism. It will also help you become more spontaneous.

Q. In everyday life I am able to assert myself but when I feel vulnerable or unwell, I find it almost impossible, such as when I see the doctor. Is there anything I can do about it?

This is a very common experience. When you feel low or unwell, it’s not surprising it’s hard to put your needs across and make yourself heard. I suggest writing down everything you want to say and referring to it at the time. Don’t feel awkward about taking out that piece of paper or notes on your phone to make sure you say precisely what you planned. Simply say: “I’m going to refer to my notes”.

Q. I find it hard to give eye contact if I’m having a difficult conversation. Does it matter?

Eye contact is an important aspect of assertiveness in many ways. It is a way of starting a connection with someone, it reinforces what you say, and helps people feel included. To give a couple of examples: in a social situation, catching someone’s eye is ofter the starting point for a conversation; if you say no to someone and don’t give eye contact, you are unlikely to be very convincing.

Q.I know I’m not a good listener. I’m easily distracted, and sometimes I interrupt. How important is listening in assertiveness?

If you want to develop your assertiveness, it will also involve improving your listening skills. This means showing you’re listening through your body language as well as how you respond verbally. A key assertive skill is to be able to show empathy, and this isn’t possible without being an authentic listener.

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 Confidence

Q. Are confidence and self-esteem the same?

They are both important but they are different. Self-esteem is your core sense of value, about who you are and a deep belief in yourself and your self-worth. Confidence is more about the outer doing, being able to act and be seen to act, to carry out tasks, to deal with situations, and speak up for yourself. 

Q. I’ve lost a lot of confidence after difficulties at work. How can Confidence Coaching help?

Coaching will provide encouragement, tools and on-going support to help you rebuild your confidence. We would explore your existing strengths and skills, and the values that shape your outlook. Against this we would identify the causes of your current crisis of confidence and flag up strategies to address them. It would be important to set clear goals, both personally and professionally, and to plan detailed steps to reach them.

Q. I feel totally dependent on what others think of me. Is this because I have low self-esteem?

Depending upon others for their approval is a sign of poor self-confidence and self-esteem. “WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF ME?” is the great stumbling block. The need to be liked is so powerful that it extends way beyond pleasing our nearest and dearest whose opinions do matter to us, to people we may not even like. Aim to put aside the need to constantly please and think more about your own needs and wishes, not in a selfish but in an authentic way. What is important, rather than to try to please, is to earn respect.

Q. I lack confidence to speak up, contribute in a group or meeting and to hold my own when there’s a difference of opinion. Can coaching help?

Clients often cite communication difficulties as an important factor in low self-confidence.  As both an assertiveness and public speaking coach and trainer, I offer tailor made programmes to enable you to build and practise these skills to prepare to handle real life situations.

People tell me how helpful it is having a coach who holds them accountable, and this makes is more likely that you will take those steps and attain those goals.

Q. I frequently put myself down. How can I stop doing this?

A quick, practical tip is to write down a list of the thoughts and verbal expressions  you use to put yourself down. Examples of self put downs are: I’m hopeless at this, I’ll never succeed in this, I know this sounds stupid but…Then each time you hear yourself about to use a negative expression about yourself, stop, take stock, avoid the phrase altogether and put something positive in its place.

This is the short  version. However, coaching would encourage you to identify and remind yourself of your existing skills and talent, and explore ways to acquire those you wish to gain. The above strategies are a small sample of the tools and strategies to grow self-esteem and self-confidence. I see coaching as a powerful tool to build resilience and a better sense of self not only to deal with more current issues but to enhance confidence for the future.

Q. I tend to allow negative thoughts to take over –  the things I’m no good at, the mistakes I’ve made. Is there something that could help me?

It’s something that would need working on. I am going to suggest an exercise worth doing and which I have briefly mentioned in the question about self put downs. Think about all the different aspects of your education, life, professional, personal, your hobbies and interests. As you think back over each, write a list of all the things you do well. Then read it – several times.

Q. I wait for the world to come to me. How can I learn to be more proactive?

I am going to set out here one of my favourite Proverbs. It’s a Chinese Proverb and it says:

• The weak wait for opportunity
• The strong seize opportunity
• The wise create their own opportunity

I suggest doing some reflection and the following: note where you’re waiting for an opportunity to come along, note what opportunities you can see and could seize on, and finally list what opportunities you could create for yourself. Turn these into actions, and act on them.

Q. I often get low in mood and energy at this time of year. Do you have any simple strategies to recommend?

Many people experience some level of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as the clocks go back, and it gets dark by mid to late afternoon. Firstly, aim to get up reasonably early soon after sunrise, at a time where you maximise the light time. If you get up late there won’t be many light hours before the sun goes down. Secondly, pre-empt withdrawing from socialising and other activities, by keeping your routines, plans and hobbies in place. In more serious cases, it may be helpful to seek medical advice.

Interviews

Q. I’m having no luck getting an interview. What tips can you give me?

It sounds as if there’s a need to review your CV. Here are some broaad tips to help you.

1. Relate your CV to the role. Whilst it’s beneficial to prepare a core CV, once you’re ready to apply for a specific role, ensure that your CV reflects the competencies the organisation is looking for.
2. Make it achievement focused. Specify your achievements in your previous roles rather than simply stating your responsibilities. Give demonstrable evidence, such as “In the next 3 months, footfall increased 3-fold”.
3. Be concise. Your CV will ideally be not more than two pages; recruiters are busy & don’t want to wade through pages
4. Clear, easy to read presentation. Ensure your CV is easy to look at and to read, with consistent layout. Use headings and bullet points and clear fonts such as Calibri, preferably in size 11 or 12. You don’t want the recruiter to have to squint to see your achievements!

Q. Is there a particular order that’s advisable in writing a CV? 

1. Start with a cogent Personal Profile. Write an attention-grabbing profile, collating your professional years, top skills and anything of note, such as an outstanding achievement or award that relates to the role.
2. CV format. Then move on to your (a) key skills, (b) career from the present to the past, and (c) relevant professional training and education.   
3.  Once you’ve written it, check your CV thoroughly as mistakes in your CV could indicate carelessness in how you might carry out your role
4.  Use keywords from the job description for qualifications, skills & experience in case the recruiter is using ATS (Applicant Tracking Systems) so that your CV gets picked up in the initial search.

By implementing these strategies, you can create a CV that increases your chances of securing an interview for that job you so want. 

Q. Where do I begin with preparing for an interview? 

Go through all the requirements and competencies of the role set out in the job description. Devise questions related to all of them and prepare answers. Make sure that  you provide evidence of your skills and achievements, not generalisations, but solid examples. Familiarise yourself with both the PAR and STAR methods of answering competency questions and check which model the interviewers prefer.

Q. Is it possible to guess what questions I’ll be asked?

Here are a few suggestions for starters. You may well be asked to “Tell me about Yourself”, “What interests you about this role” and “Why do you want to work for us”. Look carefully at the competencies for the role & devise possible questions about them. You could also be asked about your future aspirations, such as “Where do you see yourself in three or five years time?”

Q. What must I avoid if I want to make a good impression?

There’s quite a list I could give you, but here are a few things to avoid. Arriving late without having very good reason & failing to inform them in advance, looking unkempt as if you’ve not bothered and don’t care, not doing your homework about the organisation, not fully understanding the nature of the role, lack of preparation for the interview, and speaking ill of your current or a previous employer. 

Q. I feel nervous and deferential at interviews and wonder what I can do about it.

The positive side of nerves is that it can make you prepare thoroughly which is one factor in reducing interview anxiety. Prepare for the usual questions, plus those about the competencies of the job. Make a list of those you’d rather not be asked and how to respond. Then practise aloud! Research the role, the company and the interviewers. Going prepared in this way can assist in reducing nerves at the time. During the interview make sure you focus not on yourself, but on creating a relationship with your interviewers. And think of it as a two way meeting, not the subject of an inquisition. Not only are they finding out if you’re a good fit, you’re finding out if you’d like to work for them.

Q. Why do some interviewers ask about hobbies?

There’s much the interviewer can learn about you from your outside interests, and it’s helpful if you flag up genuine interests that have a bearing on the role. For example, the type of reading you do, or hobbies that show you take an interest in fitness and wellbeing. This could indicate you’re less likely to be off sick, that you’re resilient and better able to handle stress. If an employer is keen on staff being community minded, then it’s worth highlighting your volunteering role(s); if they’re focused on future sustainability, refer to involvement or interest you have in this field. It helps them gauge your transferable skills and if you’re a good cultural fit for the organisation and team.

Life Coaching

Q. Is Life Coaching mostly for people who feel a failure, or is it suitable for those who are doing well?

Life Coaching helps those who lack confidence or feel things aren’t going as they’d hoped for. However, it is also much sought after by high achievers to have someone they can trust to talk openly to and to help them move forward with their personal and working lives.

Q. How can Life Coaching help me plan for my future?

Perhaps you have a vague idea that you are not entirely satisfied with your life or your job, or more broadly your career. You may want to feel more organised and in control of your time and life and have more of a work-life balance.

These are broad issues rather than goals. Life Coaching will enable you to bridge the gap between the idea and where you want to be and clarify specific goals to work towards.

Our Life Coaching conversations will enable you to set manageable goals.

You may use Life Coaching to focus on one or several aspects of your life, such as health, wealth, career, personal development, communication skills, assertiveness, and relationships at work and in your personal life with boss, colleagues, staff, and with family, partner and friends. You may wish to use coaching time to build more of a work life balance and to find time for hobbies, relaxation and fun.

Q. I have so many competing ideas in my mind, I don’t know where to start in thinking about what I want.

Here is an exercise to help you think further about what’s important for you and prioritise your goals.

Consider for each area of life below how important they are, scoring 0 for unimportant and 10 for top priority.

• Career
• Family
• Friends
• Fun
• Health
• Hobbies
• Social life
• Time for you
• Wealth
• Work Life Balance
• What else?

Your scores will help you prioritise your topics for discussion.

Q. Does life coaching follow a fixed programme or is it more personalised?

We put together a personalised programme for you. Whatever your original purpose in taking up coaching, the sessions offer you the opportunity to focus on that and whatever else is  important to you. You can take open airtime to speak and reflect, as well as identifying practical ways forward. Also during the process of coaching, other issues may occur in your life and work, and we respond to these as they arise. The Life Coaching sessions also provide you with the choice to opt for 1-2-1 personalised training in assertive communication, interviews, public speaking and time management, a one-stop shop for achieving your goals and attaining skills within my areas of expertise. 

Q. I tend to give up easily. How can I be sure I’ll achieve my goals?

A key step in achieving your goals is ensuring your goals are SMART:

1. Specific
2. Measurable
3. Achievable
4. Realistic
5. Time Limited

Once the goals are clear we identify for each a series of manageable, bite-sized tasks and steps and earmark a finite date to achieve them. It isn’t only important to set dates to work towards to achieve your goals, but also to set dates to carry out the tasks that get you there.

Coaching will support you to do this and encourage you to grasp opportunities that emerge and create new opportunities for yourself. In thinking about timing, it is important to take account of your roles and responsibilities personally and professionally. You will want to be realistic about what and when you can achieve what you set out to do and ensure it is a fit with your availability and a work-life balance. We’ll work together and keep in touch to see how you’re getting on each step of the way. Clients tell me this is a great help in ensuring they carry out the tasks to take them to their goals.

Public Speaking & Presentations

Q. Is there anything else I can usefully do to learn more about presenting?

It can be highly informative to listen to or watch great speeches. Note the content and the delivery style, what you like and what you are less keen on. Regarded as one of the most powerful and influential speeches is “I Have a Dream” by American civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr. in 1983, well worth watching. You can also access a wide range of talks by experts & thought leaders at TED Talks. These were originally presented at a TED conference but are now  shared online. The TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) organization produces and posts them covering a huge range of topics such as AI, health, wealth, environment, science, business, art and design. They make fascinating listening and many have intriguing titles such as “Who are you, really? The puzzle of personality” by Brian Little. You can access TED here: https://www.ted.com/  

Q. When I have to write a speech or training programme or a report, I spend ages looking at the blank screen. What’s the best way to get started?

The best way is to brainstorm; go for quantity rather than quality at this stage. It’s the drive to be perfect from the outset that can prevent us from starting. You could create a template for yourself with simple questions, such as: What is the title of my speech etc? What is my objective for my talk? What are the main points to include to reach my objectives? What is my summary and conclusion? What is my introduction? You can only write this once you’ve decided the above. Answer these in brief bullet points. You could set yourself a time limit eg 15 minutes. Once you have all this, it will be easier to expand on the content. During coaching we create the best model to help you start more easily each time.

Q.  Because I’m nervous about presentations, I tend to wait to the last minute to prepare. It makes me even more nervous. What tips do you have?

1. Make a preparation plan as soon as you know the date of the presentation.
2. Schedule a time to make a list of everything you need to do.
3. Keep this list as a template for future presentations that you can tweak as needed for each one. It will save time and provide a pattern for preparing.
4. Divide the list in two: (a) Content: e.g. title, objectives, content, research, slide preparation, make notes to speak from, handouts, rehearse aloud (b) Practical matters, e.g. visual aids required, devices, venue, number attending, if travelling – travel arrangements & timing, tickets
5. Schedule into your diary or calendar times you will work on both Content and Practical matters so that you are fully prepared at least two days before your presentation.

The earlier you prepare, the less your nerves will kick in and you will feel less pressured and more relaxed and confident towards the day. In presentation coaching we would work through this together and I would also check in with you to ensure and encourage you to keep on track.

Q. People tell me I sound like I’m just reading my notes. What can I do about it?

What’s important, is how you set out your notes. Make them easy to read. Use headings and bullet points. Avoid writing down every word. 

Practice speaking aloud using your notes to refer to but without being glued to them. Look at your audience, so you’re engaging with them while you speak and glance at your notes as you need. I hope this gives you some starting points.

Q. I worry that when I open my mouth to speak, no sound will come out. Is there anything I can do to prevent that happening?

It’s important to use your voice before you start giving a talk or presentation. A common mistake is to sit in silence waiting for your turn. Instead oil your voice. Chat to people, other speakers, people in the audience – it will help ease your voice and break down that Us (speaker) and Them (audience) barrier.

Q. Is there somewhere I could get some practice in front of an audience?

Yes, there certainly is, across the globe. There’s an organisation called Toastmasters International. If you go to the Toastmasters website, you can then key in your location to find the nearest club. You will have the opportunity to practise both prepared and spontaneous speeches and to receive constructive feedback.

Q. I  get anxious that someone will ask me a question I can’t answer. What do I do if that happens?

Keep calm and confident. It happens. No need to apologise profusely and freeze with embarrassment. One way is to say: “I don’t have the answer to that now. However, I will come back to you about it”. Make sure you have their contact details and that you get in touch with them as promised. Another way is to open it up to the audience: “Does anyone have the answer?” and, if so, thank them after they’ve spoken.

Q. It’s happened that I can’t understand what someone is saying when they ask a question. What can I do about it?

You could ask them to repeat the question and, if you still don’t understand, ask them to put it differently. An alternative is to say you’ll take questions at the end, and ask people to write them down and send them up to the front for you to answer then.

Stress Management

Q. People keep telling me I’m stressed, but what exactly is stress?

Again, it’s different for different people. There are some situations which are generally regarded as stressful for most people, such as losing a job, moving home, ill health and bereavement. However, there are many situations that can give rise to stress such as disagreements, unhappiness at work, having too many demands and too much to do, the financial demands of everyday life as well as unexpected bills and increased costs. Broadly speaking, stress occurs when you feel unable to cope with the demands of the situation.

Q. I think I’m stressed but what are the signs that tell me I’m stressed?

The warning signs and symptoms are different for different people. Any of the following could indicate that you feel under duress. They signs can be physical, emotional and/or behavioural and indeed a combination of all three.

Here are a few examples: Physical: you could get headaches and pain in the neck and shoulders, and tension and knots in your muscles; Emotional: you may feel irritable and angry; Behavioural: you might become withdrawn and avoid people and situations; many people have difficulty sleeping. There are many other indicators too.

Q. Can I be responsible for my own stress?

You may not be entirely responsible for it, but  sometimes people cause or increase their own levels of stress. You can increase your stress levels by taking on too much, the inability to assert yourself and say no or ask for help or for your needs to be met. Other causes are not having enough sleep and therefore feeling less able to cope with the demands of the day and the situation. And take care not to offer to do things that you’d rather not do and really don’t have time for. If you feel you want to give something back to someone who has helped you, be sure it’s at a time that works for you.

Q. Are there any quick tips you can offer to help with stress?

In life coaching sessions, I like to look with you at what can be done to prevent stress in the first place, or at least reduce its impact. For example, if you know you’re going to have a particularly demanding time at work, we’d consider what you can do to put plans in place to manage the situation before, during and after the event. This can pre-empt some overwhelming demands and aid the management of the entire situation. It will ideally help you feel calmer at the prospect of it.

So prevention is an important element. Another is to recognise when stress is coming on, signs such as a feeling of anxiety or headaches. The third is to set in motion steps to reduce stress, and fourthly to find ways to manage and cope at the time. An example of reducing stress could be to ask in advance for help at the time. An example of ways to cope is to factor in some Me-time for yourself each day, to switch off, do something you like whether watching a film or going for a walk in your favourite park. This time out, when you feel you least have time yet most need it, can help with the balance of your life.

Q. What is one stress management technique that you’d recommend that makes all the difference?

It’s difficult to recommend only one technique above all others, as it the choice is likely to reflect the cause(s) of stress. However, one example is  having a routine to your day. Stress is often caused by something out of the ordinary or unexpected and so having a routine is a good counter to this. For example, aim to have your meals at the same time of day, each day, check your emails first thing in the morning and at the end of the day’s work and at other points in the day, do your most difficult task first thing when your mind is fresh and your simpler tasks at your least sharp time, which for many is mid afternoon. These are examples only, as everyone is different.

Q. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m angry or stressed. How do I know?

It’s interesting that you say that. The symptoms of both overlap, headaches, tension in the shoulders, knots in the stomach, for example. You may well be angry about something or with someone and this may be a cause of your stress. So they can be very much interlinked.

Q. I get stressed by things on my task list that I can’t face and keep putting off. I get frozen and can’t get started. How can I interrupt this pattern?

Three main points.

• Break down big tasks or projects into minute tasks so each task feels manageable. 
• Do the first task at the end of the day when you’re about to stop your tasks so you know you have only ten to fifteen minutes to go. This will get you started.
• Make the continuation the first thing you do next day.

Try this and see. 

Time Management & Self Management

Q There’s something I’m keen to start. I keep putting them off until I’ve got other things out of the way. But I never quite clear the decks. What do you suggest?

One of my favourite quotes is from the Russian author, Ivan Turgenev who said: “If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” So my suggestion is not to wait until the perfect time, but rather to schedule in a date to get started, and then further dates to continue. Keep those dates or appointments with yourself. Onc you start, you’ll likely build up a momentum and get into the flow.

Q. I feel all over the place, in a constant state of chaos. How can I put some order back into my life?

While there are many potential strategies, I am going to start with an underlying practical proposal. The opposite of chaos for this purpose is routine, to put some routine and order into your life to counter the disorder and chaos. Make a note of everything you could do daily at the same time of day, eg meetings, exercise, social calls, checking emails. Make a schedule of  these times. Follow the schedule rather than doing tasks and activities on a random, as and when basis. If it feels daunting to do this all at once, note 3 activities and schedule them in routinely. Gradually increase the number of them. Having fixed routines also pre-empts you having to constantly arrange things anew. For example, if you set a particular meeting for Tuesday afternoons, you won’t have to start from scratch each time, with different days and tines, checking if people are free to attend. It’s a great time saver!

Q. What are the most common mistakes people make in trying to manage their time? 

Here are five common mistakes:

1. Not having clear goals 
2. Not deciding what tasks to do by relating them to your goals
3. Not having a prioritised task list to start each day
4. Spending too long on a task trying to overperfect it
5. Hopping between lots of tasks, known as butterflying.

Avoid these and you’ll achieve a lot more.

Q. How can I write a good to-do list?

A good to-do list is vital in order to have a productive day. Here are seven tips to get you started.

1. First make a list of your goals.
2. Then make a list of your tasks related to your goals
3. Add other tasks that need to be done but may not be priorities
4. You will now have one long list
5. From your long list make a short list for tomorrow – include your top priorities
6. Prioritise them A1, A2, A3 etc.
7. Add a few general admin jobs that may not be crucial but need to be done

Q. I’ve heard of Pareto’s Law and that it’s important but can you explain what and why please?

This key insight and principle was named after an Italian economist, Vilfredo Pareto, who assessed that 20% of causes led to 80% of effects. Translated into time management, the 80/20 rule means that 20% of what you do results in 80% of success. It therefore follows that you need to identify and prioritise the key 20% of your tasks if you are to be effective and productive.

Q. I make a to do list but my timing seems out and the list always overflows to the next day. How can I stop that happening?

1. Time all your tasks – estimate how long each will take.
2. Be realistic; if it’s too much for today, allocate some for tomorrow, and the next day.
3. Allocate time for the unexpected.
4. Allocate time for lunch, as well as mid-morning and mid-afternoon breaks.
5. Do your A tasks (important tasks)  in your prime time, when your brain is at it’s most alert
6. Use ‘sleepy time’ for routine admin jobs.
7. Take 15 minutes at end of day to review today and to write a list and prepare for tomorrow – refer to your key list again.

Prioritising all your tasks for each day, and doing them in order of priority, will help you keep you focused and stop you butterflying between tasks.

Q. When is the best time of day to write my to do list?

At the end of work or study or at the end of the day. This is so that when you get up in the morning, you’re almost ready to get going. First, check your emails and messages in case something has come in to change your priorities. Having a clear, written to-do list ready for the next day can also aid your sleep, rather than you tossing things over in your mind and hoping you’ll remember to do them in the morning. Know precisely what your first and most important task of the day is, and do it. That way, if you have an unexpected interruption, you will at least have completed what truly matters.

 Q. I have difficulty getting going & organising myself in the mornings. Any ideas?

Good use of first thing in the morning is a key launching pad for the rest of the day. If it’s hard to get up, gradually turn back your alarm ten minutes a day until you get to a good starting time. Develop a routine e.g. breakfast, shower, check mails and to do list if homeworking, or travel to work and then check. Start with your most important task. Stick with your routine for a couple of weeks and it will come naturally after that.

Q. I do things last minute and risk missing deadlines. Do you have any tips?

It sounds as if you need to plan ahead. Avoid doing this ad hoc or when you feel in the mood and make a clear plan. Work out how much time you need to complete the task or project and schedule in times in your diary or calendar to do them. Add up the time you’ve allocated to be sure it’s sufficient for the job in hand. Aim to finish well in advance of the end date or you could end up doing crisis management!

Q. How can I get myself started on my to do list when I don’t feel like it?

You could try the 2-minute rule. Take an easy task that will only take 2 minutes and do it first. If you need to get on more of a roll, then take 3 simple tasks of 2 minutes each and get them done. Now move on to your most important task of the day.

Q. Why to I find it so hard to prioritise? 

It is likely to be that you find it hard to take decisions because prioritising is being able to decide (often quite quickly) that this is more important than that. 

Q. I have a big project and it feels daunting. So I keep putting it off. How can I make myself feel better about it?

If the prospect of doing something feels daunting, it’s probably big, time-consuming and important. Break it down into tiny manageable tasks; some may take 5 minutes, others 15 or 30 minutes, others an hour. Dividing into lots of small tasks will make it much more manageable. Very often the prospect is much worse than the doing!

Q. I waste a huge amount of time looking at things on my phone. I also can’t switch off from it at night and it interferes with my sleep. Any advice?

There’s a balance to be struck between needing to use your phone and needless scrolling and time on social media. This will call for self-discipline but try checking mails and messages at certain times of day, such at morning, lunchtime, late afternoon and mid evening. Limit your social media platforms and go to them once a day. Turn off your phone one hour before you go to sleep. 

Q. I’m so easily distracted. Is there anything I can do to stop to help me focus on my top priority?

Very important is to remove from view any papers, notes or items on devices unconnected with your top priority. Then allocate yourself a fixed time to work on that priority where you avoid looking at messages and emails which might take you down a different path. If it’s vital for you to check them, set a short window whilst working on your priority to check mails & messages, then return to your priority.