Life Coaching Thoughts & Tips

Assertiveness 

CAN YOU SAY NO?

There are many ways to say “No”. Some are polite yet effective, the assertive way forward. Some may think it’s better to rely on a more aggressive approach. Read on to discover the negative impact of passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive approaches as distinct from the calm clarity of assertiveness.

Passive

Passive behaviour means saying ‘yes’ but meaning ‘no’, nodding agreement while sighing inside, avoiding the person or the issues, evading questions and keeping eyes averted. It means being unable to decide and therefore putting off saying ‘no’ until the situation is overtaken by events. Passive people say an unconvincing ‘no’, then get wrapped up in apologies and justifications until they end up saying ‘yes’ after all. For example.

A:          ‘Will you take this package to the post office for me?’

B:          ‘Sorry, I’d love to, but I really haven’t the time.’

A:          ‘But it’ll only take a few minutes.’

B:          ‘Oh, all right then.’

Pay-offs

A passive person who says ‘no’ passively thinks it’s a way of avoiding conflict or unpopularity. His/her needs and wishes are denied and therefore he/she feels resentful.

Consequences

Leads to misunderstandings, as the receiver assumes that the giver is agreeable to the request in the absence of a clear ‘no’.

Aggressive

Aggressive behaviour means giving a loud, blunt ‘no’, probably without explanation even when it’s appropriate. It can hurt or intimidate by going on the attack: ‘How dare you ask me to do that!’ – the receiver feels belittled and guilty for asking in the first place. This sometimes reminds us of a childhood ‘telling off’, the wagging finger and blunt ‘no’, the denial of the child’s right to ask questions.

 Pay-offs

An aggressive person could get his/her own way initially.

Consequences

In the long run, others avoid making requests and even avoid contact with the aggressive person. There are lots of unspoken feelings and misunderstandings and anger follows. Aggressive people lose the respect of others as well as losing respect for themselves.

Indirect

There are many ways of indirectly refusing a request: think of all those excuses and fabrications: ‘Sorry, I’m working late’; ‘I can’t come to the office party, I’ve nothing suitable to wear’; ‘I’m cat sitting for friends this weekend’. An indirect person might go out reluctantly to a business reception, then sigh, sulk and moan all evening. If he/she is not enjoying it, he/she certainly doesn’t want anyone else to enjoy it. Have you ever produced sub-standard work because you’ve reluctantly agreed to do unpaid overtime? Have you ever had a convenient last-minute headache or other ailments to see you through that eleventh-hour cancellation?

Pay-offs

The indirect person avoids saying ‘no’ directly thinking that he/she will avoid anticipated conflict by first appearing to agree, but later finding a way to break the arrangement. The indirect person worries constantly until he/she finally manages to get out of it.

 Consequences

Others don’t trust indirect people, and are unlikely to ask them again. They feel angry, irritated and let down by the indirect person’s unpredictable and two-faced behaviour.

Summary

When you avoid saying ‘no’ clearly (assertively), or you sound as if you don’t mean it, you can mismanage situations and relationships, and cause anxiety to yourself and to others. Others feel annoyed or angry. Rather than avoiding conflict, you create and perpetuate it; rather than resolving situations for the future, you build mistrust and confusion.

Confidence

How confident are you? One indicator of low confidence is passive body language.

What is body language?

Body language involves giving signals about feelings and content; it’s how the body expresses itself separately from the words themselves.  It can indicate anger, fear, nervousness, hurt, joy, love.  It can say ‘I respect you and want to get to know you’ or ‘stay away from me’; ‘I am interested or disinterested, I am in agreement or in disagreement’. Body language gives clues as to how people feel and think, even if they don’t express it.

Assertive body language reinforces the message of the words; non – assertive body language may confuse or minimise the message.  Assertive body language is appropriate to the message. For example, a news presenter would look serious when describing a natural disaster. A smiling face could confuse the audience as well as cause offence.

If you lack confidence either in general or with a particular person, be aware of these passive indicators where you may undermine yourself and your ability to convey a message and where the other person is likely to be aware of that you are hesitant, uncertain and unconfident with them.

Here are examples of passive, unconfident body language:

• Eyes looking down to the ground
• Avoidance of eye contact
• Soft tone of voice even inaudible
• Speaking fast, rushing your words
• Mumbling
• Quick, nervous breathing
• Tapping with a pen
• Fidgeting in your chair or shifting from foot to foot

Assertive and confident body language 

Assertive body language reinforces the message you’re putting across whether you are expressing feelings and/or making a statement. If you want to say “No” to a request and you look down at the ground and avoid direct eye contact, you are less likely to be taken seriously. So, give respectful eye contact, avoid nervous fidgeting and stand or sit upright yet comfortably and speak calmly at a volume and pace that’s easy for others to hear.

Assertive body language will impact on you, helping you feel more confident, and others will see your confidence come through and are more likely to respond in a positive way.

Interviews

The first step in getting that interview is a CV that rises to the top of the pile. It will be clear in layout and content, relate your experience, skills and knowledge to the role and demonstrate you have the competencies they seek.

Ensure your CV truly reflects who you are and what you can offer, your skills, knowledge and experience. At interview you want your verbal presentation to reflect your written style and content, so there is no mismatch between the two. Also double check your CV for accuracy as mistakes could reflect the way you would carry out the role.

Recruiters don’t want to know only “Can you do the job?”, they want to know “Will you do the job?” They want to feel confident about your motivation (a) to carry out the responsibilities of the role and (b) to work for their organisation.

Go carefully through the job spec, noting the competencies they’re looking for. Make a list of questions they could ask, and different ways they could ask the same question so you can prepare for them. Also list and prepare for those common questions you’re likely to be asked.

Here are a few common & competency questions:

• Tell me about yourself
• Walk me through your CV.
• What attracts you to this role?
• Why are you interested in working for us?
• Tell me about an experience working under considerable pressure to multiple deadlines. How did you manage it?
• Tell me about a time when a project didn’t go as planned. How did you and your team cope with the disappointment.
• How would you colleagues describe you?

What they don’t want to hear is an emphasis on what the role will do for you and your career, with the focus mainly on the benefits for you rather than for them. They are looking to know the value that you will bring to them now and into the future.

Life Coaching

Perhaps you have a vague idea that you are not entirely satisfied with your life or in your job, want to do better in your career, to feel more organised and in control, and have more of a work-life balance. These are broad topics rather than goals. Life Coaching will enable you to bridge the gap between the idea and where you want to be, identify bite-sized, manageable steps and support you take these steps to attain your goals. 

A key step in achieving your goals is ensuring your goals are SMART:

1. Specific
2. Measurable
3. Achievable
4. Realistic
5. Time Limited

Our Life Coaching conversations will enable you to set manageable goals, identify a series of manageable tasks and earmark a finite date to achieve them. It isn’t only important to set dates to work towards to achieve your goals, but also to set dates to carry out the tasks that get you there. Coaching will support you to do this and encourages you to grasp opportunities that emerge and create new opportunities for yourself.

You may use Life Coaching to focus on one or several aspects of your life, such as health, wealth, career, personal development, communication skills, assertiveness, and relationships at work and in your personal life with boss, colleagues, staff, and with family, partner and friends. You may wish to use coaching time to build more of a work life balance and to find time for hobbies, relaxation and fun.

Public Speaking & Presentations

FEAR & ANXIETY: REDUCING AND COPING

HANDY HINTS

1. A few nerves can be helpful, they can give you adrenalin and drive you to prepare. Complacency is the enemy!
2. Be well organised; prepare notes, material, practical things well before, ideally some days before; the later you leave it the more anxious you are likely to feel.
3. Prepare thoroughly: “failure to prepare is to prepare to fail”.
4. Know your audience so that you pitch it at the right level. How knowledgeable are they? It affects your choice of words, depth, detail, whether you use jargon and abbreviations.
5. Start by writing down your objectives, what you want to achieve from speaking: what do you want your listeners to think, feel, do and say as a result of what you say? Then ensure your ending relates to the beginning: a call to action at the end to meet your objectives at the beginning.

Time Management & Self Management

Here are five simple steps to make a big difference:

1. Keep your top three goals in front of you; don’t lose sight of them.

2. If you are easily distracted and find it hard to focus on the task in hand, remove everything from your view apart from the one thing you’re working on.

3. Every evening make a to do list for the next day so you are ready to start in the morning.

4. Next morning, check your mails and messages in case there’s a new priority or what was a priority has been cancelled. Update your to do list … then begin!

5. Don’t run late, it’s stressful. Lack of pre-planning, leaving things to the last minute are key stressors. If there’s a sudden hiccup, there’s no time to put it right. Work out how much time you need, then add more than you think you need, and so avoid last minute crises.

Incorporating these steps into your daily schedule, will help you stay in control of your time and life. Build patterns and routines for tasks and meetings into your day and your week; it will help you feel more organised and in control and others will also benefit from meetings being at agreed times of the day and week