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The power of assertiveness
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Do you ever struggle to:
- express your needs?
- say ‘no’?
- say how you feel?
- put your views across?
- respond to criticism with confidence?
- cope with manipulative & other difficult people?
- Build your assertiveness through coaching or my self-help assertive training eBook, or a combination.
Your first step is to book a FREE 20-minute Zoom or phone call. You can explain what’s led you to get in touch and find out what coaching is and how it helps.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a powerful way of behaving and communicating based in equality and respect for yourself and for others.
Assertiveness coaching provides a safe space to discuss difficulties, devise strategies and practice skills as if you were in the real life situation. It will help you to speak up for yourself, and with greater clarity and confidence, express your feelings and opinions, set boundaries and better deal with difficult people and situations.
Assertiveness coaching can greatly increase your confidence as a communicator both in personal life and in your working relationships. In contributing more confidently in meetings, whether 1-2-1 or in larger gatherings, you can enhance your effectiveness in the workplace. Assertiveness can enable you to achieve a better work-life balance and progress your career.
Assertiveness comprises a range of principles, behaviours, strategies & communication skills. It turns negative and inflammatory language into positive and constructive messages. It’s applications are diverse, such as standing up for yourself and making your voice heard, to handling criticism & giving developmental feedback.
In the words of Anthony Robbins: “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
Communicating with assertiveness helps you prevent some difficulties arising in the first place and enables you to address those difficulties that do arise. It enables you to confront a range of difficult behaviours, whether passive or aggressive, from quiet and uncommunicative to devious and manipulative to loud and aggressive.
Fast track your assertiveness skills with 1-2-1 coaching
Bring assertiveness and relationship issues into your coaching or opt for a structured assertiveness training programme, learning assertiveness principles, strategies and skills and practising applying them to real life issues that affect you, personally and/or professionally.
Benefits of assertiveness training
- Ask for what you want
- Say no to what you don’t want
- Distinguish between put downs & criticism & respond effectively
- Handle criticism of your behaviour or performance at work
- Become an excellent listener, key to communication & being assertive
- Gain confidence to deal with others on an equal basis regardless of your respective roles.
- Manage and motivate your team
- Deal with difficult behaviour or underperformance in others
- Contribute effectively in meetings
- Become a better Time Manager
By developing assertive skills in being clear, honest and succinct, listening to and empathising with others, acting with diplomacy & sensitivity yet standing your ground, you will be more able to address awkward situations both at work and at home. During your Life Coaching sessions we are able not only to explore the use of Assertiveness skills, but to focus on people and situations you wish to address, identify strategies and how to use assertiveness skills effectively.
See my booking and fees options here or email me for more information.
There are many potential benefits from assertiveness.
There are times you will want someone else to change their behaviour and you can ask them. They may concur with your request. However, the one behaviour you can defiinitely change if you choose to, is your own.
Life Coaching will help you become more assertive and enable you to behave & communicate more confidently in your personal & professional relationships, aiming at win-win solutions & enhancing your self-esteem. There are times you will want someone else to change their behaviour and you can ask them. They may concur with your request. However, the one behaviour you can defiinitely change if you choose to, is your own.
I also offer a self-help course: 21 Steps Towards a More Assertive You.
Focus on assertiveness skills & strategies
Read below for regularly updated information on assertive principles, skills & strategies.
Here are some of the personal rights that will give you the confidence to assert yourself:
I have the right to be treated with respect as an equal human being whatever my perceived role or status in life.
I have the right to state my own needs and ask for what I want.
I have the right to define my own limits, look after my needs & say ‘No’
I have the right to express my feelings and opinions.
I have the right to ask for time to think before I agree, disagree or make a decision
I have the right to reconsider and change my mind.
I have the right to say “I don’t understand” & ask for clarification or help
How can you use these rights to give yourself the confidence to be more assertive? Suppose you want to ask someone for something and they are more senior than you, or an expert in their field. Saying Rights One and Two over and over to yourself can help you feel that you have the right and so motivate you to ask. If someone is pressing you to make an important decision, and you feel you need time find more information and weigh up the pros and cons, then Right Four will support you to do this.
Can you handle criticism?
Here we consider criticism, put downs and feedback.
How do you feel at the prospect of criticism or after it’s been delivered?
Criticism is often given badly, because the critic is anxious or unskilled, or even wants you to feel bad. The latter indicates a put down rather than genuine criticism. Therefore criticism can feel very disconcerting.
What are put downs?
Put downs are a form of verbal attack about you as a person. They are potentially destructive, designed to get you to feel bad about yourself. It is important to counter them so that you don’t believe and absorb them. They are very different from constructive criticism which is to highlight something you could do differently and enable you to change. Some people have developed a habit or putting people down, it’s a part of the way they talk, and they may not even realise the adverse impact on others. Examples of put downs:
- You’re so selfish
- You’re so difficult/argumentative
- You’re just over-sensitive
Assertive skills & strategies
Question the person if the ‘criticism’ is unhelpful or sounds more like a put down: e.g. What do you mean when you say I’m being selfish? This puts the onus on them to explain.
Add something positive about yourself, such as: I’m not being selfish. This is very important for me.
Dealing with criticism
Remember that criticism is someone else’s opinion. It may be a point of fact and so you may agree, yet it can also be something you don’t agree with or partly agree with, and partly disagree with.
In responding, use the assertive “I” statement. For example:
Agreeing: “I take on board what you’re saying and in future I will keep it in mind”.
Disagreeing: “I have a different perspective which I’d like to explain” or “I’d like to explain my approach to this”.
Partly agreeing: “I agree that ….however, I have a different view about ….”
The word ‘criticism’ tends to produce the expectation of something negative. Try thinking of it in terms of comments, feedback, suggestions, advice, an opinion.
Constructive feedback is ideally feedback aimed at encouraging you to change an aspect of your performance or behaviour. When poorly given it can feel like negative feedback, or disciplinary feedback. You may need to draw on all your interpersonal skills to help the giver be more constructive and to produce a constructive outcome.
To be able to give constructive feedback yourself, you need:
1. To have your emotions under control.
2. To avoid accusatory, inflammatory and derogatory language
3. To clarify the gap between current performance or behaviour and what is expected
4. To involve the other person and ask if they recognise what you’ve described
5. To agree an action plan together.
To be able to receive it constructively you need:
- a good sense of self, to be able to value who you are and what you do
- to be aware of and accepting of where you could improve
- a willingness to learn from your mistakes
- to have sufficient sense of your qualities, skills and abilities to disagree where you feel the feedback is unjust or inappropriate
- to understand that because you have done something that another person criticises or complains about it doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
Criticism, skillfully given with a positive intention, can help develop a self-awareness we wouldn’t otherwise have; it helps us consider and change our behaviour if we so choose. Someone is offering us the chance to change for the better.
One thing is certain: most people will experience forms of criticism throughout their lives in different contexts, sometimes work-related, sometimes personal. What is important is to listen to what’s being said, not to shut down, get defensive or go on the attack, but to answer calmly and confidently with assertiveness.
Testimonials
“You have changed my life. Quite literally. Thanks to you, I understand the negative effects of being 'too nice' and learnt the value of being assertive. I find I surprise myself all the time, by speaking my mind, by using confident language or by enjoying situations (like presentations) that I would have agonised over and stressed about for weeks. I feel I can rationalise my fears now, and I practise at being assertive all the time and remind myself of my talents.”
"Lucy's coaching has given me a language of assertiveness which has helped me to speak up and feel confident in my own voice. Her support and empathy as a personal coach have been invaluable."
"You showed me the way forward, Lucy. Thanks to your one-to-one sessions I have now a constructive, confident and kind approach to potential conflicts. My newly acquired skills in assertiveness have simplified and improved my life in a big way. I am very happy with the results and so is my husband now that we have the communication tools we needed to work on our relationship to our mutual satisfaction. I am very grateful. Thank you".
