Life Coaching Thoughts & Tips

Assertiveness

FIVE-STEP ASSERTIVE MODEL in dealing with a difficult behaviour.   

If you are finding someone’s behaviour hard to deal with, remember it’s better to ask them to change, and to state how you want them to change than merely berating them for what you feel they’re doing wrong. Here are 5 -6 steps to help you approach the person and the issue.

Asking for a change in behaviour

(1)        Using ‘I’ statements

‘I’ statements communicate clearly how you feel without blaming others.

e.g. I felt undermined when you criticised me in front of visitors yesterday.

These are more assertive than when you start your sentence with ‘You’ statements which feel aggressive to the recipient. YOU statements point the finger and put the other person on the defensive and may place you in the victim role.

Sample situation: You were very nasty. You really upset me.

(2)        Five step assertive sequence

Express how you feel affected “I feel …………………………

Describe the behaviour/situation. “When you ……..……….

Check if they are aware of this behaviour & it’s effect (I wonder if you are aware of)

Specify what you want/your outcome. “I want/I would like………….

State the positive consequences/benefits of this outcome. “So that …………(we have a pleasant environment for everyone) (so we can continue to work together)

Optional step 6: There wlll be times where it may be necessary to state the negative consequences of a person refusing to change their behaviour. If they find the change difficult, they may need support to do so. (or it could become difficult for us to continue to work together)

Sample situation in asking for a change of behaviour: I get distracted (self-disclosure) when you raise your voice (behaviour). I’d like you to keep your voice down (request) so we can listen to each other and find a solution/way forward (positive outcome).

It’s helpful if you can finish on a positive note such as with the stating the beneficial result of change of behaviour.

Confidence

The Weak, the Strong and the Wise

How confident are you? One indicator of confidence is the ability to be proactive, to take the initiative. Here is a powerful Chinese Proverb.

The weak wait for opportunity

The strong seize opportunity

The wise create their own opportunity

The Weak wait by the phone for:

• their lover to say “I love you”
• the agency to announce “there’s a job to apply for”
• a friend to say “come out tonight”

The longer they wait, the weaker they feel, less and less able to make the first move. Frozen by inaction they are stuck in a self-created circle of inaction and negativity:

• waiting by the phone
• thinking “I’m not good enough”
• believing “no one will call me now”

When at last the agency rings, with an interview, the weak have become incapable of seizing the opportunity.

• thinking “I’m not up to that”
• deciding “I won’t go after all”
• sowing doubts in the agency’s mind

The Strong seize opportunity, ready to act, responding the minute the agency calls.

They may have:

• to wait for the right opportunity
• to settle for second best
• their goals dictated and diluted by available opportunities

Their problem lies too in the wait; – the longer the wait the more it will freeze those who began with strength. They can only seize what’s on offer. So, the strong can only react, and may have to rethink and reshape their hopes and plans.

The Wise are shapers and creators.

Unlike the weak and the strong, waiting is anathema to them. They see their lives holistically, identifying their diverse needs and planning how to fulfil them.

They have a vision for the future and how the job they want will take them one step nearer. They are more likely to:

• approach the companies of their choice
• ask for a meeting
• explain how they can contribute
• suggest a role for themselves

Undeterred by “no thank you,” they continue in their wisdom, until they succeed.

What can you do to create new opportunities for yourself?

Interviews

The first step in getting that interview is a CV that rises to the top of the pile. It will be clear in layout and content, relate your experience, skills and knowledge to the role and demonstrate you have the competencies they seek.

Ensure your CV truly reflects who you are and what you can offer, your skills, knowledge and experience. At interview you want your verbal presentation to reflect your written style and content, so there is no mismatch between the two. Also double check your CV for accuracy as mistakes could reflect the way you would carry out the role.

Recruiters don’t want to know only “Can you do the job?”, they want to know “Will you do the job?” They want to feel confident about your motivation (a) to carry out the responsibilities of the role and (b) to work for their organisation.

Go carefully through the job spec, noting the competencies they’re looking for. Make a list of questions they could ask, and different ways they could ask the same question so you can prepare for them. Also list and prepare for those common questions you’re likely to be asked.

Here are ten common & competency questions:

• Tell me about yourself
• Walk me through your CV.
• What attracts you to this role?
• Why are you interested in working for us?
• Tell me about an experience working under considerable pressure to multiple deadlines. How did you manage it?
• Tell me about a time when a project didn’t go as planned. How did you and your team cope with the disappointment.
• How would you colleagues describe you?
• What is your proudest achievement?
• Describe a difficult decision you had to make in a short period of time. What did you decide and how did you come to that conclusion?
• Why should we choose you over other candidates?

What they don’t want to hear is an emphasis on what the role will do for you and your career, with the focus mainly on the benefits for you rather than for them. So do your research, understand their ‘business’, familiarise yourself with their vision, mission and values. They are looking to know the value that you will bring to them now and into the future.

Life Coaching

Perhaps you have a vague idea that you are not entirely satisfied with your life or in your job, want to do better in your career, to feel more organised and in control, and have more of a work-life balance. These are broad topics rather than goals. Life Coaching will enable you to bridge the gap between the idea and where you want to be, identify bite-sized, manageable steps and support you take these steps to attain your goals.

A key step in achieving your goals is ensuring your goals are SMART:

1. Specific
2. Measurable
3. Achievable
4. Realistic
5. Time Limited

Our Life Coaching conversations will enable you to set manageable goals, identify a series of manageable tasks and earmark a finite date to achieve them. It isn’t only important to set dates to work towards to achieve your goals, but also to set dates to carry out the tasks that get you there. Coaching will support you to do this and encourages you to grasp opportunities that emerge and create new opportunities for yourself. In thinking about timing, it is important to take account of your roles and responsibilities personally and professionally. You will want to be realistic about what and when you can achieve what you set out to do and ensure it is a fit with your availability and a work-life balance.

You may use Life Coaching to focus on one or several aspects of your life, such as health, wealth, career, personal development, communication skills, assertiveness, and relationships at work and in your personal life with boss, colleagues, staff, and with family, partner and friends. You may wish to use coaching time to build more of a work life balance and to find time for hobbies, relaxation and fun.

Whatever your original purpose in taking up coaching, the sessions offer you the opportunity to focus on what is important to you, open air time to speak and reflect, and time to identify practical ways forward. The sessions also provide you with the choice to opt for 1-2-1 personalised training in assertive communication, interviews, public speaking and time management, a one-stop shop for achieving your goals and attaining skills within my areas of expertise.

Public Speaking & Presentations

Fear & anxiety: reducing and coping

Handy hints:

1. A few nerves can be helpful, they can give you adrenalin and drive you to prepare. Complacency is the enemy!
2. Be well organised; prepare notes, material, practical things well before, ideally some days before; the later you leave it the more anxious you are likely to feel.
3. Prepare thoroughly: “failure to prepare is to prepare to fail”.
4. Know your audience so that you pitch it at the right level. How knowledgeable are they? It affects your choice of words, depth, detail, whether you use jargon and abbreviations.
5. Start by writing down your objectives, what you want to achieve from speaking: what do you want your listeners to think, feel, do and say as a result of what you say? Then ensure your ending relates to the beginning: a call to action at the end to meet your objectives at the beginning.
6. Make sure your ending relates to the beginning: a call to action at the end to meet your objectives at the beginning.
7. Give it a clear structure – you’re less likely to get lost & the audience will be able to follow the plot. Remember the Tell ‘em theory. Explain what you are going to cover (tell ‘em theory – ‘tell ‘em what you’re gonna tell ‘em)
8. Use short sentences with active verbs as passive verbs often involve complex structures. Short sentences & active verbs give energy to the pace and make it easier for the audience to follow and for you to say.
9. Consider when preparing whether there are any questions or rhetorical questions you could ask as they hook in your listeners and engage them.
10. Make clear notes, easy to read & refer to.

Another very important consideration when you arrive at the venue, is to be sure to oil your voice. Rather than sitting in a corner and going over yur notes, it is beneficial to speak to people, whether to other speakers, the organisers or members of the meeting or audience. It helps to both to lubricate your voice and to start creating relationships.

Time Management & Self Management

Time saving suggestions:

Less to do for you

Here are twelve tips to help you reduce your tasks:

1. Delegate where you can
2. Say no (appropriately!)
3. Eliminate unnecessary tasks
4. Don’t take work home from work
5. Discourage reverse delegation
6. Discourage unnecessary meetings
7. Don’t do unnecessary work others can do (ie. delegate)
8. Don’t take responsibility for other people’s problems
9. Don’t get bogged down in detail
10. Don’t try to be perfect
11. Don’t try to know everything
12. Reduce number of interruptions

Start by choosing your top three that you believe will make a difference! Then select the next three. Notice and note down where you’re starting to save time and how much.

Cut down on the time it takes

Here are five practical suggestions:

1. Time limit meetings
2. Be concise in communications, though courteous too
3. Start and end meetings on time
4. Keep checklists for repeated projects/events to avoid reinventing the wheel each time
5. Manage interruptions

Enjoy the time you save!

And now for a few seemingly obvious & simple tips, that make a big difference!

• If you take it out, put it back
• If you drop it, pick it up
• If you open it, close it
• If you lend it, make a note of where it is
• If your desk is a mess, tidy it – & leave it tidy at the end of the day
• If you take something off (eg jacket), hang it up/put it away
• Always better to prevent than to spend time clearing things away & searching for lost items!