Many people say they find the prospect of challenge, disagreement and conflict difficult. They would rather avoid discussing the issue, perhaps hoping it will resolve itself in some way. The downside is that often the unresolved feelings fester. They may jab away for years to come. Alternatively, if you find yourself in that situation, you may decide to try to address it and come to some kind of solution, or at least a compromise.
In discussing interpersonal differences, there is always a risk. It’s true that it could make things worse; this will depend on the behaviours and depth of feeling of the parties involved. Avoid simply pointing the finger: e.g. You should’ve consulted with me first before mailing the schedule to the rest of the team. You’ve really put me in it. How on earth do you think I’m going to fit this project in with everything else I have to do!
Conversely, with a calm, well thought out approach, it could calm troubled waters and provide a route to resolving practical and emotional issues.
Here are some tips for before and during the conversation.
Before the conversation:
- Pick the right time for the discussion, i.e. when neither you nor the other person is in a rush or preoccupied by something else.
- Ensure your emotions are under control; if you feel very angry or upset when you speak, you’re less likely to be clear about what you want from the conversation and the feelings will take over.
- Similarly gauge if the other person is emotionally open to the conversation
- Decide in advance what you are hoping for, what you want from the other person that could resolve the issue.
- Once you are clear in your mind and have formulated the outcome you’re seeking, you will be able to express it clearly to another person.
During the conversation:
- Speak in a calm, measured tone of voice, at an easy pace, not racing ahead, yet not monosyllabic either.
- Moderate your body language, so that it doesn’t look accusing. Avoid folding your arms, crossing your legs, pointing the finger, pouting or frowning.
- Say something positive about wanting to find a constructive way forward.
- Sell the benefit of this. If it’s a colleague, so that you can continue to work well together/to have a good working relationship e.g. Our working relationship is important to me personally and for the success of this project.
- Stick to facts rather than judgements and about behaviour rather than about the person. e.g. I’d like in future to be consulted about plans that affect me so that I can schedule it in with my other work.
While there are no guarantees in resolving challenging circumstances, it can be helpful to have that challenging conversation, provided you express clearly and confidently the outcome you wish for and show your desire for a win-win solution.
If you would like to develop your assertiveness skills, you are welcome to arrange a free initial call for 20 minutes without obligation. This may be by phone or on Zoom whilst coaching sessions are over Zoom.
My combination of coaching and 121 training can add quality to your life personally and professionally and enable you to achieve your goals. It will be adapted to you as an individual and your unique circumstances.
