Most of us have found it hard to refuse a request at some time in our lives. How about you?
Do you find it hard to say “NO” – to your colleagues, partner, family or friends?
Does your gut seize up & secretly say “NO” to the request, while your mouth opens and says “YES”?
Do you then stress about how to get out of the corner you’ve got yourself into?
All this because it’s so hard to say “NO” assertively and hence effectively.
What stops you saying “NO”?
You may find it easier to say NO to some people than to others. The difficulty arises when you agree for yourself or others to do things as a result of which you feel uncomfortable, unhappy or pressured to cope with more than you can do. Thus, you may feel imposed or put upon.
The inability to refuse an unwelcome request politely and clearly can also cause you to lose your work-life balance.
What stops YOU saying NO?
Here are ten common reasons:
- Feeling guilty
- Feeling mean or selfish
- Feeling you won’t be liked
- A sense of obligation
- You don’t want to rock the boat
- Fear it will be held against you
- Being too worn and too tired to assert yourself
- You’ve always said “Yes” to the request so it’s hard to change the pattern
- Not knowing how to say NO; not having the assertiveness skills
- Feeling you do not have the right to say NO, especially to someone who has authority over you or who has professional or specific expertise (eg lawyer, doctor, teacher, car mechanic or hairdresser!)
Ways you say “NO”
So when you get that unreasonable or unwanted request, what do you say or do?
- Say YES, for fear of upsetting them or getting a barrage back
- Make excuses “I’m going out”
- Say “I don’t mind”
- Try to make them feel guilty so they’ll withdraw their request.
- Say “I’ll think about it” (avoidance) without any indication of when you’ll give an answer
- Say ‘yes’ then sabotage it by not doing it, so they won’t risk asking you again, but also placing a strain on the relationship
- Pull a face in the hope they’ll guess you’re not happy
- Your assertive right to refuse
Here are five assertive personal rights to help you have courage and confidence to say no or ask for time to think about the request and to give you permission to change your mind in the event that you don’t say “NO” in the first place.
- I have the right to define my own limits, look after my needs and say ‘No’ (You don’t always need to look after others’ needs before your own; find a comfortable and honest balance)
- I have the right to ask for time to think before I agree, disagree or make a decision. (You don’t have to respond instantly if you’re unsure but, if you ask for time, ensure that you also say when you’ll get back to the person. It gives both you and them a deadline)
- I have the right to reconsider and change my mind (If you say “YES” at the time then regret it, you can change your mind, but don’t leave it to the eleventh hour)
- I have the right to refuse responsibility for other people’s problems if I so choose (you are responsible to but not for others, unless they are your dependents)
- I have the right to relate to people without being dependent on them for approval (the most common reason people cite for being unable to say “NO” is the fear of losing approval, but is it reasonable to expect everyone to approve of everything you do or don’t do? If you try, you’ll end up running round in circles, trying to please everyone except yourself!)
These assertive rights are not a self-indulgent recipe. We all have these rights and sometimes people will say NO to us too. Assertiveness involves good listening, empathy, self- and mutual respect.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a free 20-minute call (phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
