The weak wait for opportunity, the strong seize opportunity,
but the wise create their own opportunity.
(Chinese proverb)
Definitions of power
Power is complex and takes many forms. It can stem from an external source such as status or occupation, such as Managing Director, police, judge, or royalty. Some people lose their power when they lose a job or role. Inner power or personal power is less easy to remove.
- Power may be defined as the “ability to act”.
- Power over, or oppression, is described as to “rule unjustly or cruelly” or “to cause to feel troubled”, involving aggressive misuse of power
- Powerless means “weak or helpless”, disempowering self, colluding with oppressors
- Empowerment: means “to give ability to, enable or permit”. Assertive power is giving power both to yourself and to others, self-empowerment and empowerment.
What is Personal Power?
Inner or personal power is less easy to remove; the core is self-belief and the ability and determination to translate self-belief into action.
Some people start with externally conferred power and develop their own inner power, such as Princess Anne.
Conversely, Nelson Mandela, while in prison, had no external power or authority, but he did have immense inner power and leadership qualities that brought him huge respect internationally and ultimately led to the acquisition of political power.
Personal power involves self-respect and respect for others and relating to people on an equal basis. It is not about using power oppressively over others.
Building your personal power
We all have options regarding how we use our power. These choices can help you develop your own personal power. You can do this by:
- recognizing what is in your power to change, such as your behaviour and language, & so come across with greater confidence.
- developing how you communicate and present yourself, and hence how you appear to others.
- being proactive instead of reactive.
How might you give your power away?
When your self-esteem is at a low ebb, it becomes tempting to point your finger at others, rendering them responsible for how you feel and what is happening in your life. It may lead you to give away your power. There are several ways in which this can happen:
- Staying silent when you have something important to say
- Saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’
- Putting yourself down – in your mind & in front of others
- Rejecting compliments
Minimizing your achievements - Saying ‘I don’t mind’ when you do mind
- Continually apologizing
- Not seeking help when you need it
- Waiting for the world to come to you
All of these behaviours increase the sense of being powerless in your own eyes and in the eyes of others. It’s very possible to create these circumstances all on your own, without any help from anyone else!
Ask yourself…which of the above do you do?
How to reclaim your personal power
The good news is that there are several ways in which you can resolve a downward spiral of giving away your personal power. Here are nine plus one ways you can your confidence and personal power:
1. Speak up when you have something to contribute. Think it through; be clear about your purpose in speaking & state clearly what you are seeking. Where possible plan it in advance and make notes, whether it’s a difficult phone call, a meeting or visit to the doctor. Be assertive.
2. Be aware of when you want to say no. Your gut reaction of “Oh no” is likely to tell you. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to try to please someone at your own expense, increasing your stress levels as you try to get out of the promise you’ve made. Best to be clear at the time, or change your mind at the earliest opportunity.
3. Be aware of your self-put-downs. Each time you undermine yourself to others, you undermine yourself and so start to believe even more deeply that you are not good enough. Some people will take advantage of this to put you down in order to feel temporarily & superficially superior to you. Start keeping a note of when you do this so you can stop yourself in the future.
4. Accept compliments and THANK the compliment-giver, even if you’re embarrassed. Say you appreciate it rather than demeaning what they say with “Oh it was nothing” or “It was only a cheap jacket from the charity shop”. If you brush it off, or put it down, it may be the last compliment you get!
5. Be appropriately upbeat in describing your achievements, not arrogant and self-absorbed, but honest and proud of them. No one passes an interview by minimizing their successes at work and you’ll need to back up all your claims with evidence.
6. Avoid saying “I don’t mind”. Put your “I don’t minds” in a drawer and throw away the key! Whatever the reason – difficulty in making up your mind, not wanting to rock the boat, not caring – you give away your power to someone else & could ultimately find it hard to make decisions at all.
7. “Sorry, sorry, sorry”. “Sorry to disturb you” “Sorry to ask you this”. Apologetic prefaces undermine the impact of what you want to say so keep sorry for when you tread on someone’s foot!
8. Ask for help when you need it and do so assertively, not apologetically. Everyone could do with a helping hand at times and there’s no shame in not being able to do everything for ourselves.
9. Go out and get the world rather than waiting for it to come to you. Be proactive, whether it’s arranging a social event, applying for a promotion or new role, using the opportunity of homeworking to upskill online from the privacy of your home, such as in public speaking or a professional aspect of your work. Set goals for yourself and plan how to achieve them as in the words of the Chinese Proverb at the top of this article.
10. Number Ten is the power of kindness, the sense of self-esteem and personal reward that emanates from being kind to yourself, to friends, family and strangers, and to the planet. Given the challenges of climate change and the pandemic, the world can benefit from kindness more than ever.
I began this article with a proverb and I close with a quote – from Oscar Wilde:
“The smallest act of kindness is greater than the grandest intention.”
