Who in your life can be difficult?
Here is a mini quiz to help you answer that question. Identify the difficult people in your life.
Your boss- A staff member you manage
- A friend
- An acquaintance
- A parent
- A child
- Another relative
- Your partner
- Your doctor
- Your builder
- Your cleaner
- Who else?
Just about anyone can be difficult on occasion, including ourselves.
Difficult behaviours often come to the fore when people feel stressed. This can be due to the pressures of day-to-day living, the demands of making a decision or a deadline looming. Stresses arise, for example, when making those special arrangements like a holiday or a wedding , which can ironically trigger family arguments or fallouts among friends.
Sometimes it’s the chemistry between two people. That’s why we may get on with a person whom someone else calls ‘difficult’ and vice versa.
Avoid at Your Peril
Some behaviours can only make matters worse. Here are five tips on what to avoid.
1. “AND ANOTHER THING” SYNDROME. Deal only with the issue that presents itself now. If you’ve known someone a long time, you may well have felt annoyed or upset with them before. Now is not the time to bring up those issues. if you’re about to say “And another thing. I remember five years ago when…” stop yourself and focus on the behaviour you feel bothered by now.
2. AVOID SAYING “SHOULD”. Telling someone how they “should” behave, what they “should” do or not do, is likely to stir things up further. Stop and think for a moment how you feel if someone tells you what “you should do”. It’s far more helpful to make suggestions, such as “I wonder if you’ve thought about doing x (instead of y)?” or “I’d appreciate it if you’d do x in future, instead of y.”
3. AVOID DISMISSING SOMEONE’S FEELINGS. If you’re having a disagreement, take care too not to tell someone they “shouldn’t feel like that”. Allow people to express their feelings. They are real, whether you think they “should” feel that way or not. Simply acknowledging how someone feels can go a long way towards defusing a difficult situation, such as saying: “I can hear you’re disappointed” or “I understand that you’re feeling upset”.
4. AVOID LETTING A PROBLEM DRAG ON…& ON… The longer you wait the harder it is to confront, until it no longer seems appropriate to talk about, yet it may linger to bother you for months to come. So how do you get the time right? How do you strike a balance between not confronting someone when feelings are raw and not leaving it until it’s too late and the moment has passed.
If you or they are highly emotional, it’s best to wait a few days, as neither of you will feel receptive. However, if you do want to address it, don’t wait too long as your adrenalin may subside. Alternatively, you can wait so long that the original cause festers out of all proportion. At other times leaving it may mean the issue dissipates on its own. Either way, wait until you feel calmer, able to think clearly about what you’d like to gain.
5. AVOID POINTING THE FINGER and saying: “YOU did this” or “YOU didn’t do that” or “YOU’RE so difficult”. Using YOU may make them defensive, jump on the barricades and attack back. Use the assertive “I” instead. e.g. Instead of accusing them of selfishness, “You’re so selfish”, say how you feel: e.g. “I’m not happy ….”
Point to a Positive Future, Choose Hope Over Despair
FOCUS ON FINDING POSITIVE SOLUTIONS. Be clear about the solution you’d like, rather than speaking only of what you don’t like. If, for example, you’ve been left out of decision-making that affects you, it isn’t going resolve it if you say only how angry you are and the people concerned had no right to take a decision without you.
Make it clear what you would like, such as: “I’d like your reassurance that when there’s a decision to be taken that affects me and my staff, I’ll be consulted about that decision and my views taken into account.”
Even these few tips can make a difference to how you approach that person with the difficult behaviour and the outcome of your approach. There are, of course, so many difficult behaviours we can meet day to day, from arrogance to rudeness, flippancy to timewasting, avoidance to manipulation. It’s easy to get drawn in and respond in kind, but more productive to respond sensitively, clearly and constructively. And one thing more. KISS the problem, i.e. Keep It Short & Simple – and constructive. A blaming monologue is likely to produce yet more difficult behaviour.
Good luck with your difficult people!
Life coaching is a great way of exploring the areas where you’d value help and determining the best of achieving this. Together, we discover the best way for you to achieve positive change.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching could be what you’re looking for, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a free 20-minute call (phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.