I am often asked this question. Many clients want to be more assertive yet find it isn’t that easy to describe. Indeed, there isn’t a single word or phrase to describe it and I will venture to explain it here.
Behaviour
Firstly, it’s a form of behaviour, one of four main behaviour types. The other three are passive, aggressive, and passive aggressive.
So, what does assertive behaviour comprise? It includes
- knowing what you want and don’t want,
- being clear, succinct and to the point, yet also
- being diplomatic and sensitive towards others’ needs and feelings.
Whilst you may know what you want and don’t want, it’s important to convey your messages in a way that maintains relationships rather than giving rise to difficulties, even conflict while also demonstrating self-confidence.
Communication
Importantly, it’s about communication, the way that you speak to others, at work, at home, with friends, traders, suppliers, and strangers. It covers how you talk, your choice of language, tone of voice and facial expressions.
Assertive communication uses lots of “I” statements, not in an arrogant way, but one that takes responsibility for feelings and opinions. “I’m worried we’re going to be late for the cinema” is honest and assertive, whereas “You’re making us late” is accusatory, blaming, and aggressive. Aggressive language uses lots of “You” statements.
Mutual respect
Underlying the behaviour and communication is a sense of respect, self-respect in how you stand up for yourself and make your needs known, and respect for others in listening to what they say, considering it, and deciding if you agree with it or not, and whether it affects the wishes and opinions you were originally expressing.
To be assertive, means being a great listener. How many great listeners do you know? Would you class yourself as a great listener? How often do you feel someone isn’t listening, really listening to you? Listening enables us to truly engage with another person. Poor listening is often the stuff of disagreement. After all, the word communication comes from the Latin “communis” which means “shared understanding”.
Calm confidence
When you express yourself assertively, you will be doing so in a confident and self-assured manner. Realistically, it would be difficult to feel confident every moment of every day, so what we are looking at here is the ability to communicate confidently, so you feel clear in that moment and others perceive your confidence. The words you use, and your body language will express this. Starting with “I hope you don’t mind me saying this” will make you look apologetic, whilst “I’d like to ask you about…” will come over with confidence. Note the use of the “I” statement in assertiveness.
This confidence is important in many aspects of assertiveness including how you ask, refuse, deal with criticism or conversely accept compliments, or stand up for yourself and your beliefs. This confidence and assertiveness will make it possible for you to listen to people and views you disagree with and then put your own, and without getting defensive.
This is an introduction to defining assertiveness, not the full story. However,
the more that you develop your assertive skills and strategies, the more confident you will feel and become on a day-to-day basis. It will help you manage relationships personally, and professionally.
Developing your assertive skills
Assertiveness helps you prevent some difficulties arising in the first place and enables you to address those difficulties that do arise. Being able to express feelings assertively, honestly & appropriately, helps your personal life & professional role too.
Life Coaching can help you develop your assertive skills by encouraging and supporting you to identify and action the steps to attaining your assertive goals.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
